Le Canard
by Umeko
Summary: A newpaper parody of the Musketeers' world. Read and be amused. This is a joint venture between the Musketeers and the Cardinal's Guards and we don't know how long this partnership will last.
1. Issue 1

Disclaimer: Dumas is in the public domain.

To deal with horrid persistent writer's block on my other Musketeer fics, I have chosen a different way of writing a fic for this fandom – in the form of a newsletter parody. This is an irreverent look at Dumas' characters and the plot of the Three Musketeers with references to their various portrayals in film and TV. Expect OOC-ness, anachronisms and heavy satire. History buffs and all, you have been warned. This is not _La Gazette_ at all.

Rated for some innuendo and naughty situations.

* * *

**Le Canard**

_Issue 1 - Pilot Issue_

Official Proclamation by His Majesty

Dear all loyal subjects, it may come as a surprise to you that we are endorsing the publication of another French paper other than _La Gazette._ However, the purpose of _Le Canard_ is not to unseat _La Gazette_ as the top official newspaper in Paris but as a supplementary paper. There is no way Paris is losing out to some German merchant-city that has two newspapers. The name is at the suggestion of our brother in Orleans over a few cups of wine and a delicious roast duck dinner a few weeks back. 'Why don't you set those two troops of baboons in Paris to something other than killing each other? Like having them work on a common goal, like a royal duck-hunt?' he said. Thus from a conversation on bickering monkeys and duck-hunting, the seeds of _Le Canard_ took hold. We hope you enjoy this paper as much as _La Gazette_ and find it highly informative_, a_nd way, way better than that _Orleans Leisurely _rag.

- His Royal Majesty, Louis XIII

P.S. Does anyone know anything about wild monkeys running loose in Paris? We will set our musketeers to deal with the beasts.

* * *

Editor's Note

Dear fellow citizens,

At His Most Gracious Majesty's behest, we bring to you the pilot issue of Le Canard, a joint venture between the King's Musketeers and the Cardinal's Guards, just to prove that we can work together without everything disintegrating into a brawl. The paper will be under the able editorship of Monsieur de Treville and His Eminence Cardinal Richelieu. The Musketeers have kindly volunteered to house the presses in their quarters due to flooding in the dungeons at the Palace of Justice. If anything does go wrong, it's probably the fault of de Tre- ahem - those guys in blue and white. We will also be publishing an advice column, to be jointly managed by our esteemed editors.

As His Eminence is a busy man, yours truly have been pressed into editorial duties. Captain de Treville will be hosting the Advice Column until further notice. Readers are welcome to write in to the Captain's Desk c/o the Musketeers' Barracks at Coopers' Court. Good luck to you poor sods who do write in.

- Comte de Rochefort, Acting Editor

P.S. This paper is also seeking experienced advice columnists, especially in the area of domestic concerns. What the hell do we know about colicky babies, aside from the racket they make?

* * *

Nightly Attacks Continue, More Patrols Called

Citizens of Paris are strongly advised to avoid the streets after sundown as a fifth attack by persons unknown on late-night travellers occurred in as many weeks. Alarmed streetwalkers and rogues, ahem, ladies and gentlemen of leisure, have petitioned His Majesty to increase night patrols to prevent other attacks. In response to the calls of the citizenry, the King's Musketeers and the Cardinal's Guards will be increasing their patrol frequencies, particularly about the neighbourhoods of Pont Notre Dame and Pont Neuf bridges where the attacks seemed to be centred. Authorities do not deem it necessary to impose a curfew as it will seriously cramp the lifestyles of certain highly-placed persons.

Victims were taken by surprise and forced into the river. The first attack was on a Swedish diplomat returning from the Comte of Anjou's engagement party. Sir Gustav Geitsen was fortunate to escape with minor injuries after a vigorous defence. The second attack was on an unnamed couple on an after-dinner stroll. The woman was killed while her male companion severely wounded after they were thrown from the bridge. Other victims are a scholar of the University of Paris, a Jesuit priest and a night watchman, all of whom survived their unplanned swim in the Seine. These unprovoked attacks were not muggings as none of the victims are robbed of any valuables. The only proper description of the attacker was given to the authorities by the Swede, who described a large, ugly creature resembling a troll. We at the news desk think Monsieur Geitsen had a drop too much to drink. Everyone knows trolls do not exist in France.

* * *

Public Disturbance - Cardinal's Right-hand Man Suspended

The morning calm of our fair city was rudely interrupted when a quarrel broke out in the genteel neighbourhood of St Louis on Friday. At the centre of the commotion was a mademoiselle who claimed that her neighbour, Comte de Rochefort, threatened to throttle her infant. The young lady requests to remain nameless in light of her relationship with a prince of the blood. When a patrol of Musketeers tried to arrest the Comte for disturbing the peace, he resisted and grievously wounded five men before being subdued with the aid of a passing seminary student and an off-duty musketeer.

When interviewed, His Eminence the Cardinal admitted that his subordinate was indeed embroiled in the brawl and will be suspended from his Guard duties so that he may have time to reflect on his rash actions. Rochefort insists that he was sorely provoked by the infant's incessant wailing into an uncharacteristic display of temper. "I spend long nights out on His Eminence's business and wish for some quiet when I get home, is that too much to ask? Instead we have that brat next-door screaming all hours and its mother unable to shut it up!"

At press-time, the mother and babe in the centre of the disturbance have left the city for the countryside for the sake of the child's health. Comte de Rochefort has moved out of his fancy St Louis apartment for more spartan rooms at the Palace of Justice on the orders of his employer.

* * *

Minimum Age for Admission to Musketeer Corps

We wish to stress that the Musketeer Corps have a minimum age for our recruits. The minimum age is 18. Please stop sending us your sons unless they meet the minimum age. No schoolboys will be considered. Only candidates aged eighteen and above will be considered at our recruitment drive. If you are a week from your eighteenth birthday, please come back in a week for us to re-consider your application.

* * *

Advertisements:

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_King's Musketeer Corps recruitment drive open from next week. Interviews at Cooper's Yard. Minimum age – 18. Noble blood greatly preferred. No schoolboys. _

Cheval House – All your transportation needs under one roof. Arabs, Galician and Spanish. Be it stamina, beauty or temperament. Our horses come in all sizes and we guarantee you will find the steed to suit your needs. Come down to No. 14 Rue St Madeline.

NOTICES:

The Cock and Bull Cookhouse wishes to declare that we do not use diseased horse meat in our meat pies. Our pies contain only the best greasy pork and beef, with the occasional kitten or rat thrown in for taste. Rest assured that our pies are not only tasty but safe for consumption.

_The King's Musketeers Corps wish to clarify that contrary to certain rumours, we definitely do not poach our recruits from the ranks of church choir-boys. We accept grown men only. _

Cheval House wishes to announce that we are not affiliated with Madame Fanny's brothel in any way! We are a REAL stable providing actual horses for rent and purchase – stallions, palfreys and ponies. Please quit asking us about our fillies' bed-rates and arranging Roman-style orgies.

_Apology to Monsieur Pierrot , Taverner_

_We sincerely apologise for the brawl which wrecked the Happy Hour Tavern, It was never our intent to demolish your place. We will pay for half of the damages done and send the rest of the bill to the Cardinal's Guards. They started it first! – Porthos, Athos and Aramis_

* * *

Personal to a dark, handsome Musketeer

My dashing Don Juan, my sisters and I have had that talk. We wish to know who exactly you are courting. Meet us at the Church of St Martin. Please make your intentions clear or Papa might just call on you with a musket. – Your sweet Juliette

* * *

_Personal warning to a three-timing rake_

_Leave my daughters alone, you rogue! I have already lodged a complaint with your commanding officer – Angry Pere._

* * *

To dear Juliette, Mariette and Annette with deepest regrets from Don Juan

_Nevermore shall we go a-roving, so late into the night,_

_Or your father will come a-roaring and shoot me out of sight._

**Author's Notes:**

_Canard _– French for duck, or it may refer to an untrue story.

Well, how did it go? No advice column yet, but do feel free to write in for advice from de Treville or whoever is covering for him in the next issue.

Suggestions on how to improve the paper much appreciated. Slipped in some jokes which I will leave for you readers to catch. Some gags may run over multiple issues.


	2. Issue 2

Disclaimer: Dumas is in the public domain.

Sounds like the pilot issue made a splash. Here's Issue 2. A friendly match of street soccer? A royal personage takes the Advice Column. Fire at the barracks?

I have been wrestling with whether to post this issue or not, given some recent events. I mean no disrespect to anyone and apologise beforehand if it offends any readers.

**Le Canard**

_Issue 2_

Official Proclamation on Duelling

We wish to remind all citizens of Paris that duelling is illegal by the decree of His August Majesty Louis XIII. Anyone caught duelling, abetting or assisting or even having prior knowledge of a duel will be heavily fined or imprisoned at His Majesty's leisure. Citizens are reminded that duelling is not only uncivilised, but a waste of young men who could be put to better use in France's service in our army with that treaty with Spain a tad shaky. Thou shalt not duel with blades, firearms or clubs.

* * *

Records Sales for New Parisian Newspaper

Cookhouses, taverns and book stores have reported record sales of the new paper _Le Canard_ within hours of coming off the press. Indeed, the Musketeers and Cardinal's Guards found it necessary to fire up the presses twice on the first day to cope with the demand. Long queues were spotted outside cookhouses and taverns before their opening hours after morning service. Likewise, book stores were mobbed by eager citizens.

"We were sold out by lunch-time," the Cock and Bull Cookhouse reported. "And folks just wanted the paper, not our pies!" Our reporter questioned a satisfied reader on why he liked the new paper and here is his reply:

"Hell, no. I can't read a single word but I figure this paper would be a rarity someday, possibly more so than a letter by His Majesty. A real something I can leave my grandsons. I mean, how long do you think it will last?"

Before the newly-rebuilt Happy Hour Tavern, bets were placed on the longevity of the paper and toasts drunk to _Le Canard_ in anticipation of its speedy demise. At press time, _Le Canard_ has hit the top spot of best seller charts for any publication in Paris within its first week and remained there. Bookmarkers have refused to entertain any more bets on the paper folding within the year.

* * *

Editor's Note and Apology

Dear readers,

We apologize for the delay in the publication of this latest issue of _Le Canard. _Our printing press fell victim to an unexplained fire last week, which also damaged much of the barracks. Fortunately, none of my men were injured as they had all gone out to watch a street soccer match. The Musketeers are currently seeking alternative lodgings until the barracks are repaired. We are sick of camping in the courtyard given the recent rainy spell. At the same time, I am much heartened by the overwhelming response to _Le Canard_. The first issue sales have surpassed those of any other publication in Paris, including _Madame Fanny's Guide to Evening Entertainments._ Rest assured that we will do our best to continue serving you. Readers are welcome to place advertisements and notices for a negotiable fee between 5 to 20 sous.

Assisting Editor Comte Rochefort will be away from Paris on urgent business for the Cardinal for the foreseeable future. We have received a most generous offer of assistance from His Majesty, who has given his august advice for the column in this issue in addition to contributing a column. I am also pleased to announce that we will be catering to domestic questions in our advice column from the next issue with the arrival of the Cardinal's niece, LaDonna, from Venice. Nothing like a feminine touch for those household problems, methinks.

With thanks, M. de Treville

* * *

Street Soccer Match, Not Brawl

Authorities wish to clarify that there was no brawl between the Musketeers and the Cardinal's Guard last week. We get along perfectly fine! What happened last week was like this – a patrol of Musketeers encountered a Guard patrol at the corner of Rue St Antoine and Rue St Honore and an impromptu street soccer match resulted. It was nothing but a friendly game. There were no casualties or injuries apart from the usual bruises and scrapes, and perhaps a twisted ankle or two. No cracked skulls, stabbing or similar injuries as alleged by certain witnesses. There were no rapiers drawn, muskets fired and certainly no deaths. No blood was spilled in the streets that night. We thank the medical faculty of Universite de Paris for their charitable services as well as those of Monsieur Corbeau and associates.

Arson Suspected in Barrack Fire

Rumours are rife that the fire last week at the Musketeers' Barracks was the result of arson after an eyewitness reported a mysterious man acting suspiciously near the scene shortly before the fire. The fire ignited the gunpowder in the adjoining arsenal and the resultant explosion demolished much of the buildings. This is the latest in a series of events which have seriously undermined the Musketeers' credibility after their patrols failed to stop the attacks on late-night revellers around Paris' bridges and an infamous street soccer match. Threats were overheard from several sorely-disappointed applicants who were turned away at the latest recruitment drive due to tightening of their criteria. Authorities are looking into these allegations seriously while the Musketeers make do with tents in the courtyard. Information is sought on an eye-patch wearing man in black as described by the witness, a passing streetwalker. The musketeers are actively seeking builders to fix the damage to their barracks.

Troll Attacks Continue

The citizens of Paris continue to be plagued by the unknown assailant of late-night travellers. A Jesuit priest and a drunk were the latest victims over the last week. The Jesuit was attacked while defending his lady-companion and claimed that he could have bested the creature, if only he had not misplaced his weapon at the lady's apartments. The lady had a good look at the attacker and described him as hairy and reeking of rotten fish. The troll, as labelled by citizens, escaped down into the tunnels of the city. The attack on the drunk occurred barely 2 nights ago. The drunk, who was a Comte of Berry, claimed to have attempted wrestling with his attacker before losing his footing and falling into the Seine. Like his fellow victim, he escaped with only minor injuries. The creature was witnessed disappearing into the old catacomb tunnels lining the area. Late night establishments report a marked decrease in business. Concerned citizens are urging a troll-hunt. The Cardinal promises to send his men to scour the old catacombs, after more pressing matters at a certain Benedictine convent which urgently require his attention.

Convent Seeks Aid for Weed Control

Meung – Sisters of the Benedictine Convent were at their wits' end as recent rains have caused their famous marigold beds to overgrow with dandelions. The weeds were spreading faster than the noble sisters could pull them. The famous flower beds were first planted by the Queen Mother back before her wedding to the late king. The Queen Mother is expected to take up residence in the convent soon as per her habit every summer. Cardinal Richelieu assures his cousin, the abbess, that he would be sending them aid soon.

* * *

Column by His Majesty- Musings on a Mismatch

We were most annoyed last week when our valet dressed us in a new suit of blue velvet and found it clashed alarmingly with our queen's red gown over the breakfast table. Things became worse when mama joined us in a most alarming black gown which was shockingly old-fashioned. May we propose that the ladies and gentlemen of the bedchambers confer the night before as to how to best match our fellow royals' attire with ours? Oh, the wallpaper in the breakfasting room must go. We simply refuse to have that awful primrose yellow print. Excuse us, we have an appointment with the royal tailor over our new violet doublet.

Advice Column: The Captain's Desk

As the nominal Captain of the Musketeers, we, Louis XIII, will be trying our hand at dispensing advice to our subjects while Captain-Lieutenant de Treville deals with the results of some street soccer match gone awry and write a couple of letters of condolences.

_I hope you fine gentlemen could lend a helping hand to a poor soul in distress. Being the personal assistant of a rather well dressed gentleman is burden enough, but is there a way to clean splatters of blood from fine linens? Any helpful advice?_

_- Round-bellied man of service_

Get a laundress. We have about 15 of them at home, not counting those who wash Anne's garments. Or get a tailor to make new clothes. And perhaps a well-dressed gent should not be engaging in activities which run the risk of soiling one's attire.

- Louis

_Monsieur_

_I am soon to be visiting a certain lady I am mightily fond of in Paris. However, I fear I might have fallen behind on the recent trends in Paris after my posting to that Puritan outpost up north. Is black and white still in? Or should I make a cape of blue with gold lace? Perhaps a starched frilled collar? And velvet hose… Or should I just go out and ask my tailor for suggestions? _

_- Duke of B. _

You sound like a man of impeccable taste in your dress. Why don't you be a trend-setter? Be bold and your lady will be all the fonder of you for it.

- Louis

_Dear Captaine_

_Our husband passed on years ago, leaving us to bring up our little boy alone. Now our precious boy is grown up and wed but he is always playing at fancy dress or gallivanting about with his soldiers instead of paying his queen some much-required attention. Sowing one's wild oats about Paris is well and good but we would like to see a little dauphin soon, please?_

_- Queen Mother_

Mama, please don't fret. We promise to make some time for Anne, perhaps between overseeing the Musketeers' parade and the fitting at the royal tailor's. Will half an hour be enough attention?

- Louis

* * *

Advertisements:

Got killed in a seedy alley far from home? Got on the wrong side of a musket at the front? Need someone to transport your sorry remains back home to your grieving family? Allow us to assist you. Corbeau and Partners, the undertakers of your choice. Deliveries as far as Gascony, Brittany and Marseilles.

To let – Cosy apartments overlooking the Seine. Gentleman lodger preferred. No children or pets allowed. No servants will be provided with apartment. Provide your own.

Urgently seeking accommodations for 100 men. Must be spacious enough to allow for indoor sword-training. Loud carousing, drinking binges and possible fisticuffs can be expected. Contact M. de Treville at Tent 1, Cooper's Yard. We are also urgently seeking carpenters, masons and roofers to fix our barracks.

Gunnerson and Epeers – Fine duelling pistols and rapiers. The only choice for hot-blooded young noblemen.

Notices:

Medical faculty of the Universite de Paris now open for applications for surgeons. We guarantee actual autopsies on actual human cadavers with possible internship with the army. Strong stomach and guts a must. Our students are more than just some barber with a rusty axe.

Parisian Guild of Barber-surgeons – why pay good coin to some wimpy scholars when we can provide your boy with a more than decent training in the honourable trade of trims, shaving and bleeding? Who needs years of book-poring to know what to do with a razor or axe? We guarantee a fulfilling career ahead for our apprentices.

Senor Q, you insulted my sister's honour and lack the courtesy to stay for my challenge, running off like the lily-livered coward you are. I now challenge you, cur, meet me with pistols at St Madeline Cemetery tomorrow at dawn – Monsieur P.

**Author's Notes:**

Suggestions on how to improve the paper much appreciated. Guess who LaDonna is. Sadly, Louis is a little out of touch.

Interesting fact – medieval surgery was normally carried out by the local barber, who also practised blood-letting and sometimes amputations. It was only in mid 18th century that barbers did away with the surgery part of their profession, leaving it to medical physicians.


	3. Issue 3

Disclaimer: Dumas is in the public domain.

Let's let the duck quack for itself. All references to the 3 Billy Goats Gruff are purely intentional.

**Le Canard**

_Issue 3_

King's Musketeers to Keep Uniform

Paris – After much careful consideration, His Majesty has decided not to introduce the awaited changes to the Musketeers' uniforms. "The shade of red proposed for our new capes clash with our new shoes most terribly," Louis XIII explained. "The weekly parade would be a disaster!" This news was greeted with great enthusiasm by the Musketeers and citizens alike. The Musketeers will keep their blue and white tunics, which have become a familiar sight on Parisian streets since their introduction. "My papa is still fuming about the cost of my uniform and kit when we changed from black to blue two years back," a young musketeer explained. "It cost us half my sister's dowry. We'd have to put her in a convent to cover the cost this round."

"Of course we like the current uniform – I mean with both the Musketeers and the Cardinal's lackeys wearing red, how would we know who we should be lobbing rotten eggs at?" a young street urchin remarked. Other citizens were more nonchalant. "It makes no difference to us whether they wear red, pink or blue when they come knocking. It's what's inside that counts… Besides, us girls know all those clothes are coming off eventually," Madame Fanny explained as she catered to some off-duty guardsmen.

* * *

Troll Trounced! Citizens Rejoice

Parisians have more reason to rejoice this week with the trouncing of the late-night bridge hazard which has been attacking random night-time strollers. The beast met his match in an off-duty musketeer known to locals as Porthos on the bridge at Pont du St Germaine. Here is the account from Monsieur Porthos himself: "Just got off duty and was hurrying to Fan-Fan's before Aramis and Athos hog all the pretty ladies and the wine. Then this insolent beast pops up and tries to throw me over the side! What's a man to do? So I used some wrestling moves I picked up from the Pirate Queen of the Irish Sea to give the knave a taste of his own medicine." The troll was last seen floating out to sea and we believe this will be last we see of that beast. The Streetwalkers' Guild and Rogues' Council have pooled their resources together to purchase a token of appreciation for Monsieur Porthos, though we at the paper believe an all-expense paid night out at Madame Fanny's would suffice.

* * *

Convent Deflowered in Meung

Meung – The local Benedictine sisters were horrified to find that the gardeners sent over by Cardinal Richelieu had not only removed the pesky dandelions from their flowerbeds but also every single marigold in their convent. When questioned, the chief gardener explained: "How the hell would I know the difference between a marigold, daisy or dandelion? I was born and bred in the city and flowers were never a part of my education. The only reason we got landed with the job is the abbess being too cheapskate to hire proper gardeners and His Eminence sent us so as to stop her whining to him!" The abbess has sent for an emergency delivery of tulips and roses to re-plant the gardens before the Queen Mother's expected visit. The Queen Mother would not be amused to see the destruction of the beds.

* * *

Advice Column: The Captain's Desk

We regret to announce that due to bad weather, Mademoiselle LaDonna's arrival at our headquarters in Paris has been delayed. As such, I, de Treville, will attempt to address your concerns the best I can.

_Dear Captain_

_I need some advice concerning my only child. Well, we live on a farm but my boy dreams about being a musketeer thanks to all the tales I tell him of my musketeer glory-days (I know, my bad). My wife is worried about him going to the big bad city. Now he spends his days practising fencing, wooing local shepherdesses out by the haystacks and getting into fights with their brothers, all before midday. All the while neglecting his chores on the farm. I think he's sulking because we wouldn't let him go to Paris. He's 18 now and way too old for the rod. So do we let him go pursue his Musketeer dream?_

_- Retired Musketeer_

Dear Musketeer

I am always willingly to extend a helping hand to a fellow soldier. I tell you what – send the lad over to us. I'm sure we can find something meaningful to occupy an energetic young man. And drill in the notion of duty and responsibility while we're at it.

- M, de Treville

_Dear Captain_

_My precious baby boy wants to go seek his fortune in the big city as a musketeer! Who will tuck him in at night so he doesn't catch a chill? Who'll make sure he has clean shirts? What if he gets sick from the food there? My poor baby has never left my side in his 18 years. Help!_

_-Mother Hen_

Dear Madame Hen

Pardon me, but I believe it is time to allow your boy to fly out of the family coop. Your baby boy is a young man by now, well capable of fending for himself and making his own decisions. Children do grow up. Sometimes we need to let them stand on their own feet and step away from the home hearth, so as to let them grow to their full potential.

- M. de Treville

_Dear Captain_

_I was rejected from the Musketeers just because I am too short, by a foot to be exact. I'm sure I meet the rest of the criteria. My speciality is in weaponry, traps and explosives. I am also a part-time inventor. The recruiting officer there told me I would be better suited as a court jester or dwarf. Grr, I'm so miffed. _

_- Albert de Parmagnan_

Dear Albert

I have just had the dubious pleasure of experiencing first-hand the booby-trapped letter you sent us. I must ask you to drop by our offices soon. Tomato sauce doesn't wash out of linen and you should be dealt with accordingly. However after perusing your CV, I would like to hire you on to improve the security of our barracks and arsenal with your traps. We might be able to make an exception for your height problem as we definitely want a talent like you on our side.

- M. de Treville

* * *

ADVERTISEMENTS:

For Sale – 3 Billy Goats, Going Cheap! No offence to the ladies of the night and assorted riff-raff, as much I appreciate your little present, the billy goats have butted my servant out of the window and chewed their way through my wardrobe. It's not as though we are getting feta cheese from them and my roommates want them gone too.

_L'Amore Fine Handkerchiefs – It may be Adieu, but let the memories of Romance last forever with our scented handkerchiefs. Available in white, pink and cream. _

Available for Rent – spacious townhouse conveniently located near market square. Contact Comte Rochefort c/o Palais de Justice.

* * *

NOTICES:

Pinot Vinters – Suppliers of fine champagne, wines and brandy wish to announce that henceforth we will only accept coin only and payment upfront. We regret to say after encountering a certain gentleman we will no longer accept credit. Trying to collect payment from a drunken swordsman is very bad for our health.

To you vandals and ruffians in blue and white: For the last time, I am not responsible for the fire at the Musketeers' Barracks. I do like wearing black but I certainly do not wear an eye-patch. I'm not a pirate and I have 2 working eyes. Quit ramming burning coaches and lobbing grenades into my new house at Rue de St Martine. You are scaring off my tenants – Comte Rochefort

**Author's Notes: **

I'm going with the parody of the somewhat fashion-obsessed king from the 2011 movie and the former pirate Porthos from the 1993. Albert is a character taken from the cartoon, Albert the Fifth Musketeer.

Poor Rochefort really gets the short end of the stick. Perhaps D'Artagnan will make an appearance soon?


	4. Issue 4

Disclaimer: Dumas is in the public domain.

More naughty humour. LaDonna finally arrives to take charge of the advice column.

**Le Canard**

_Issue 4_

Queen Mother to Leave on Pilgrimage to Rome

Paris – After hearing of the devastation wrought on the gardens of her usual summer retreat, the Queen Mother has opted for a pilgrimage to Rome instead of relaxing in Meung's Benedictine convent. The Queen Mother will be escorted by a number of high-born ladies of the court and a troop of guards from the kingdom's Swiss Guard regiment. "We of the Meung convent will sorely miss the Queen Mother and the donations she generously bequeathed to the sisters," the abbess was quoted. "However, we are sure the tulip bulbs we bought from Spanish Netherlands will turn the gardens into a veritable rainbow next spring and invite Their Majesties to visit us and continue to fund our convent."

* * *

Back from the Dead Shocker at Funeral

Attendees at a musketeer's funeral were shocked when the 'corpse' sat up in his coffin and shouted for more wine. The deceased, known as Athos, was pronounced dead by the regiment's doctor, Gilles McQuack, after being found lying unresponsive in the break room after a night-long drinking session. The man was described as cold and stiff to the touch. A wake was scheduled and held at the Chapel of St Martin to allow his friends to pay their last respects. "Thank goodness for the wake, I mean, it would be absolutely terrible if we buried him while he's still alive," a large pallbearer said. "We will be having words with our doctor, I assure you. Oh, what about the other 15 guys our doctor pronounced dead since Monsieur McQuack started with us?" Athos then celebrated his return to life by adjourning with his friends to the nearest tavern for several rounds of drinks. The doctor has since been dismissed and departed from Paris under the cover of darkness.

Sour Ale Triggers Brawl in Roadside Wine Shop

Paris - A brawl erupted at one of the many roadside wine-sellers in the city after a patron accused the owner of selling substandard wares. Five men were injured and ten men were brought in for questioning at the Palais of Justice. "Well, the drink he served us was cloudy and tasted like (bleeping) pee. My mate took a few gulps and then started shaking as if in a fit," an arrested customer reported. "What were we to think? Of course we thought he had poisoned our friend! So we beat the stuffing outta him." The owner pleads his innocence in the matter. Town authorities wish to reassure all citizens and visitors investigations into allegations of adulterated wine and beverages will be carried out and that wine at all licensed taverns are safe for consumption.

* * *

Guest Column on Morality by Cardinal Richelieu

Dear all citizens, it is my great pleasure to write on the topic of morality, especially in light of some of the recent excesses witnessed by yours truly. Drink, dice and fornication are most rife on the streets of our fair city and I must remind you that the Church takes a stern view of sins and the wages of sin is the fires of Purgatory. First, it has come to my attention that certain persons in the King's employ are squandering their pay on dice, drink and women of dubious morals. Surely as the peacekeepers, one must keep one's behaviour impeccable. However, we understand based on the slipshod methods of recruitment utilised by M. de Treville that there is a risk that rogues and other criminals might have infiltrated the Musketeers. Let's not throw any stones here, but there has been many a scandal attached to the top musketeers under de Treville's command. Reliable sources proclaim that Porthos was a pirate in his misspent youth and a frequent cheat at dice. Athos is a known drunkard of the highest degree and Aramis was expelled from Tours seminary after being caught in a compromising position with a young girl. I will leave you readers to be the judge of those allegations.

- Cardinal Richelieu

* * *

Advice Column – LaDonna's Parlour

Bon soir, Madames and Messieurs. I am LaDonna and I will be taking over this advice column. First, I must thank the boys for their warm welcome but really, let's keep it professional. Sorry, lads. Perhaps my old friend Fan-Fan can fix something up for you. Next, the Captain's Desk must go. I never in my life saw such a rotten piece of wood, even in my near-penniless ex's home. Burn it in the yard, I say. This whole place needs a revamp. Now let's not waste time and get on with the letters.

_Dear Captain_

_This is most embarrassing but I fell into few games of dice with some colleagues and now I owe them loads of money. They want their money but I am tight in the purse now. How can I wriggle my way out the next time they confront me about this? I am sick of playing hide-and-seek and if I take a direct approach to resolving it, my employer will fire me. He warned me after the last man I wounded over the debts. What should I do?_

_- Unlucky at Dice _

Dear Unlucky

Create a diversion. Perhaps insult some passing country bumpkin, then have him and your creditors get into a medley. Either way, they will be too occupied laughing at said country bumpkin to bother about you. Alternatively, you can settle your debts permanently with your creditors in some dark alley.

- LaDonna

_Dear Captain_

_I have a teensy problem with wine. Well, I use it very heavily as a means to deal with a failed relationship I have yet to get over, even after all this time. After narrowly being taken for dead by my friends, I return to the barracks and thought I saw my ex in the window of my captain's office. Am I seeing things? I thought she was dead but… Am I going crazy from too much drinking? _

_- Athos_

Dear Athos

You seriously need to get some help for that drinking problem of yours and your obsessing over the past. Get a life, go meet some girls. Get married and produce some brats. Volunteer for the front and die in a blaze of glory. It is all the same to me. However, if you are already experiencing tremors, blindness and irritability on top of hallucinations, I am sorry to inform you that perhaps your tavern has been providing you with sub-standard swill and yes, you are going crazy. Your friends might want to reserve that plot for you at the local graveyard.

- Indifferently yours, LaDonna

_Dear LaDonna_

_I'm so glad you are finally here. It can be so awkward discussing personal matters with one's commanding officer. You see, I am currently in a relationship with a pretty little seamstress but there is this fishmonger's daughter who caught my eye in the market the other day. Should I break it off with the seamstress and woo the market-girl? I am still rather fond of her. _

_- Romeo_

Dear Romeo

Seriously? A fish-girl and a seamstress? I expected better taste from a man who dares call himself Romeo. At least a Comtess or similar.

- LaDonna

_Dear LaDonna_

_Er, we have a bit of a problem with our wife. We can't seem to communicate with each other at all. We are a bit shy and the whole marriage was our families' idea. Don't get us wrong about our wife. She's a most intelligent lady of the finest bloodline and impeccable manners. We think she's a lovely woman really but have no idea how to even speak to her without sounding like some jackass. What if she finds us silly? We fear that she might have fallen for some dashing courtier. _

_- Regally Shy_

Dear Monsieur Shy

I can see clearly why your family had to arrange your nuptials. A woman like the wife you have described prefers a man with confidence. May I suggest either a new wife, someone more suited to your lack of confidence? Alternatively, you may wish to leave out the conversation part out altogether and get down to the business of procreating which it probably why your families match-made you two start with. Trust me. You will definitely find a common language under the blankets once the lights are out.

- LaDonna

* * *

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New writing table required for Musketeers' headquarters. Preferably oak or rosewood, simple and sturdy yet suitably imposing and masculine. No one is taking me seriously with the lace-covered, floral carved monstrosity my new advice columnist set up in our offices. Contact M. de Treville at the Musketeers Headquarters at Cooper's Yard.

_Sale of indulgences from the Cardinal of Paris' offices. Why cut back on your favourite pastimes just because they are sinful? For a reasonable fee, you can buy your way out of Purgatory or earthly punishment. Be it knocking up the girl next door or cheating at cards. Buy your forgiveness today! For details, please contact the Beadle at Notre Dame Cathedral._

* * *

Notices:

Dear Comte R, pay up the money you owed us or else you'll be short of an eye or two – Your friendly neighbourhood loan shark.

_To all you rumour-mongers, I, Porthos, did sail as a privateer for the French king, not a pirate as some folks say. As for that little sojourn with the Pirate Queen of Ireland, well, we were stuck there for a bit after our captain (God rest his soul) ran us aground off her island. She was a terrific hostess while it lasted. _

We, of the Parisian Guild of Taverners and Cookhouses, wish to inform all that we definitely do not provide our patrons with substandard wine. The weird sour taste you have been complaining about is due to the recent heat wave, nothing more. And no, we do not water down our ales with embalming fluid or tallow.

_Yo, Cardinal R, your lackey still owes us big at that underground gambling den in the cathedral's crypt. Will you be picking up his tab the next time you drop in? _

**Author's Notes:**

Some hypocrisy coming from His Eminence and mudslinging galore. Bad wine out there, Athos better be careful where he gets his drink.

Yes, sadly the state of the Church in Paris under the Cardinal is sorry indeed. They are really abusing the indulgences since the Catholic Church cancelled grants of indulgences involving fees or financial transactions in 1567 by papal decree.


	5. Issue 5

Disclaimer: Dumas is in the public domain.

Thank you, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Anne Rice and Kristen Durst. Now I have vampires on my brain. Where's Van Helsing when you need him?

**Le Canard**

_Issue 5_

Their Majesties Attend Mass at Our Lady of Notre Dame

Notre Dame, Paris – Citizens were delighted when Their Majesties graced the city with their presence last Sunday. Their Majesties attended Sunday Mass in thanksgiving of the recent peace treaty with Spain. The Mass was held at at Our Lady of Notre Dame and Their Majesties attended in all their finery. His Majesty cut a mighty fine figure in his gold lame cape and antelope-skin boots. His pearl-trimmed doublet and starched lace ruff only attested to his excellent taste in fashion. Her Majesty cut a more modest figure in her matching gold embroidered gown with scarlet farthingale. In a departure from her normal Spanish lace collars, she wore a plunging scoop bodice which showed her diamonds to their best. The necklace was a gift from His Majesty at Easter and this was the first time Her Majesty had worn them in public. Members of the court in attendance were dressed in matching red and white garments as per His Majesty's decree.

The Mass was presided over by His Eminence, the Cardinal Richelieu, who preached against the sin of excesses. The homily was greeted with polite applause and some stifled snores from the congregation. In an unfortunate misunderstanding, the short-sighted Count of Provenance mistook the cardinal for his lackey and tossed his half-eaten chicken wing at him. The royal entourage then visited the Hospital of Our Lady and the local orphanage where they made a generous donation to both charities.

* * *

Vampire Attack on Parisian Housewife

Paris – A guardsman's wife was foully attacked in her bed chamber last Friday. The lady's husband was returning early from his patrol duty in the Cardinal's Guards when he was greeted by shrieks from his bedroom. When he barged in, he was shocked to find a dark figure standing over his stunned wife, who was lying semi-undressed on the bed. The mysterious intruder then grabbed his clothes and fled out the window while the husband attended to his wife. The lady was unharmed apart from bruises on her neck and a state of shock. The lady claimed that despite allegations of infidelity levelled at her by neighbours, she had remained true to her worthless husband and the attacker was a vampire and not her alleged lover. Grocers report an increase in sales of garlic since the incident.

Garlic Shortage in Paris – Prices Up

Garlic prices have shot through the roof after a series of reported vampire attacks in the city. Husbands returning from duty at the border encountered mysterious intruders in their wives' bedchambers. The womenfolk plead innocence of any extramarital affairs and claimed that they were accosted by a dark, demonically charming creature of the night under which spell they had fallen. Alarmed home-owners have emptied local stalls of garlic in an attempt to deter any night-time visitors. Also in great demand were ashen stakes and holy water from the church font. Soldiers whose wives had borne the brunt of the attacks are petitioning that a vampire hunter be brought in from the Spanish Netherlands, which was plagued by a similar outbreak last fall. The royal court regrets that due to current political complications with the Dutch Republic and Spanish Netherlands, they are forced to decline the petition.

* * *

Guest Column by Her Majesty on Importance of Communication in Marriage

Dear all citizens, we write not as a queen, but as a wife. As with many women, we did not have a say in our marriage. Honour thy father and mother, even if their idea of an ideal husband is miles from yours. But seriously, it takes two to make a marriage work since the union was meant to last till death do us part. We might have had our minor indiscretions back in our childhood but once hitched… Well, we believe most of us want it to work out. We would like to have a loving environment for our children to grow up in.

First step to a functioning relationship is communication. Husbands please take note. Can we just sit down and talk for a bit without you running off to attend to your business with the tailor or your guards? Seriously, even our houseplant (that orchid from the Duke of B) pays more attention to me than you. Oh, the gifts are lovely but we would like some care and concern _sil vous plait?_ We already have an entire wardrobe of your little gifts. How about we do tea tomorrow? We are available now Mother-in-law's away. Sincerely hope you're reading this. We have been leaving invitations with the pages but they never got back to us with your reply.

- Queen Anne de France

* * *

Advice Column – LaDonna's Parlour

Bon soir, Madames and Messieurs. My, don't those letters keep rolling in. Odd that the return of some regiments would cause so much uproar. Let's get down to business.

_Dear Madame_

_Whilst my hubby was away at the front, I got lonely. So I took in a lodger who is now my lover. But now hubby is back and I realise that he is an old, uncultured boor and a drunken brute to boot. I love my young and hunky lodger, who is a terrific lover and I would hate to see him leave. What should I do?_

_- Bewildered Wife_

Dear Bewildered

May I remind you of your wedding vows – til death do us part? There is a little red doorway about mid-way in the alley running from Rue St Jeanne to Pont de Sol. Knock thrice and say I sent you. My contact there should be able to assist you with your domestic problems.

- LaDonna

_Dear Madame LaDonna_

_I took up rooms with this couple. The husband is an uncouth boor but my landlady is the fairest angel ever. We are in love and would like to spend the rest of our lives together but for the sad fact that she is married to the ox. What should we do? We can't elope since she has family here. _

_- Young Chevalier _

Dear Chevalier

The path of true love is rarely smooth. Get your act together. Duel to the death or something. If all else fails, please recall that little red doorway I spoke of earlier.

- LaDonna

_Dear LaDonna_

_My paramour's husband returned home early and almost skewered me. The suddenness of his return forced me to beat a hasty retreat by fleeing butt-naked through town. Now the lady is pretending I never existed. What should I do? _

_- Runaway Romeo_

Dear Romeo

Sounds like it is time to have that death-duel over your tarnished honour with your lady's hubby. Or perhaps your reputation is already a lost cause. Oh, I believe you were the naked man we encountered along St Denis the other night. If so, you should be thankful your affair lasted as long as it did given what we got an eyeful of. We are not impressed.

- LaDonna

_Dear LaDonna_

_We are so confused. Our husband has been neglecting us since Day 1 of our union. He is more concerned about his dressing and his boots than us. He hardly comes to us at night and when he does, he is so drunk from carousing with his friends that he ends up humping the pillows most of the time. He hardly speaks to us. We cannot complain that he ill-treats us. He sends over new dresses and jewels almost every other day but we want more than fancy clothes and jewels. _

_To complicate things further, there's this charming man we think is making a pass at us. We met before as children at our uncle's a long time ago. Nothing too serious but we did end up kissing once. We were children. Now he is in town and we think he wants to take up where we left off. But we are a married woman and we think it's not proper that we meet thus but he is not taking 'no' for an answer. He has always been a stubborn boy. What should we do? _

_- Neglected Wife_

Dear Neglected

Why should you languish because you wedded an imbecile? You are young only once. Take a chance, enjoy yourself and have a fling. Cosy up to your childhood sweetheart. Propriety be damned. Go for it, gal!

- LaDonna

* * *

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* * *

Notices:

Apologies, my beloved. I seriously was not expecting my husband home that soon. _C'est la vie? _

_Dear Madame C, could you kindly return me my undershirt which I left at your place after your man's untimely return from the front? _

_Fund-raiser garment sale for leper colony – _The Hospital of Paris will be holding a sale of clothes and other handicrafts to raise funds for a new building for their leper colony. All proceeds to go to charity.

Reminder to Musketeers on curfew hours: The gates to barracks close at eleven sharp. Deal with it. I am not amused by attempts to scale the perimeter wall and subsequent painful extractions from our spiked booby trap pits the next morning. Recruits are reminded to return to their barracks by eleven or if they cannot keep the hours, find alternative lodgings for the night. – M. de Treville.

**Author's Notes:**

It is notable that apart from Porthos, none of the boys enjoyed a happy, lasting marriage despite the number of women they did have encounters with. In the original novel, Constance was already married when she met D'Artagnan. Athos' son, Raoul, was from his fling with Marie Michon (a married woman). Maybe Dumas (who was a bit of a playboy in life) wrote his characters' love lives in that vein, especially Aramis (the lady's man abbe).


	6. Issue 6

Disclaimer: Dumas is in the public domain.

The poor cuckolded husbands in the last issue finally caught on to what's behind those vampires in the bedroom. Too late for some of them though.

**Le Canard**

_Issue 6_

Official Proclamation – Duelling is Illegal

Dear all citizens, please note that duelling is illegal by royal decree. We have experienced an alarming increase in illegal duels over the past week. The trigger for the duels in most cases is jealousy over a woman's affections. His Eminence Cardinal Richelieu recommends that in lieu of duelling, aggrieved husbands should discipline their wayward wives in a suitable manner, then get on with their cuckolded lives. Thou shalt not kill. Also, there is a heavy fine on those caught duelling, if they live. If they have any further complaints, they should level them at M. de Treville of the Musketeers for his lack of control over his men, in particular three loose cannons by the names of Athos, Aramis and Porthos.

Patrols will be stepped up at popular venues for these illegal duels, including the St Madeleine Cemetery and the empty field beside Cooper's Yard. In addition, I wish to state that there was no skirmish between 20 Cardinal Guards and a rag-tag trio of musketeers with a country bumpkin tossed in somewhere. And we definitely didn't get sorely trounced. Please do not be misled by those silly drinking ballads which started making the rounds of local taverns yesterday.

- Comte de Rochefort, Assistant Editor

* * *

Epidemic of Food Poisoning Strikes City

After 30 deaths from food poisoning believed to be related to bad oysters, authorities have banned the sale of oysters and other shellfish. It is believed that recent hot weather has resulted in oysters spoiling sooner than usual. The victims were stricken with belly pains, vomiting and fever-sweats before they rapidly perished within an hour of the sudden onset of their illness. All the victims' wives testified that they had dined heartily at dinner until they got to the oysters. Authorities also announce that there is no outbreak of plague, cholera or smallpox in the city and that other traders may continue to hawk their wares so long as the relevant taxes have been paid to the city council.

* * *

Pleasure House Closed due to Suspected English Pox

Paris- Popular pleasure house, Madame Fanny's, has closed after rumoured cases of the English pox emerged among their girls and regulars. The establishment was placed under strict quarantine and will only be re-opened after authorities give the all-clear. The girls insist that they do not have the English pox and that it was just the seasonal flu. A medical team from the Paris Hospital has been dispatched to the house to confirm or disprove the rumours. They have not left the house since due to the strict quarantine orders imposed. The Sisters of Charity have taken it onto themselves to provide sustenance for the sick by lobbing cheese and bread rolls into the house's windows. We have managed to sneak an interview with the Madame. This is what Fan-Fan has to say:

"Seriously, we don't have the pox. It's just the flu bug going about town recently. Yes, we did entertain an English duke and his entourage some nights ago but just because they are English doesn't mean they have the pox. We have a house policy of serving whoever has the gold, whether they be Catholic or Protestant. The duke's party did put in a reservation a week before. Oh, there was some big churchman who wanted our services that night but we were already booked… Now you don't suppose…"

Frustrated, very frustrated regulars have been pestering the city council to re-open their favourite entertainment venue. The guards have been called out on riot patrol in anticipation of mob violence. Rotten fruit and haddocks have been lobbed at the Cardinal's carriage when he rode out to the palace. On the other hand, freelance streetwalkers have reported an increase in their nightly takings. Even streetwalkers certified with the pox and other embarrassing ailments are having a fruitful time.

* * *

Advice Column- LaDonna's Parlour

Dear all, it is with great regret that this will be my last column as I have been called away on urgent family matters. I have enjoyed being a member of _Le Canard_ and the companionship of certain young gentlemen on the staff. I will miss you dearly. Merci for the memories and the oh-so generous gifts, Bandy Knees, Puppy-eyes and What's His Name.

_Dear LaDonna_

_My husband died last week after dining on bad oysters. I will not lie by saying I miss him that much. However, there is this young man I am undeniably fond of. Would a wait of 2 weeks after the funeral before remarrying be good form? There are other pretty women in the vicinity and I fear I might lose him._

_- Merry Widow_

Dear Merry Widow

Bad idea. Very bad idea. You just got rid of one husband and you want to hand over your freedom to another man? Gal, it's time to play the field. There are other men out there and you should not let a silly wedding band tie you down for the rest of your life. Of course, you might wish to seek out my friend, Madame Tonafa, for more advice on managing your love life.

- LaDonna

_Dear LaDonna_

_We are in a real mess now. After suffering our husband's indifference, we finally took up with a noble admirer. The affair was exciting and fun and we've never felt so alive but… Well, when we woke up the next morning, both he and our diamond necklace were gone. Our husband wants us to wear our one-of-a-kind necklace at the upcoming Royal Ball. Alas! It must be halfway across the Channel by now. We'll be ruined! _

_- A Noble Lady_

Dear Noble Lady

Wow, you really let the Big Bad Wolf in, didn't you? Is there some underling you can charge with the task of retrieving your precious jewels?

- LaDonna

_Dear LaDonna_

_I need some advice. There is this really pretty lady I am dying to get into bed with but she has her sights set really high. She's playing for a nobleman while I am just a commoner. However, due to some misunderstanding over some letters, she is now into me, thinking that I am a Comte. What should I do? Should I tell her the truth about not being a Comte? Or let her continue thinking I am more than a humble clerk? She's been giving me the 'come-hither' look and inviting me to her bedchamber. Should I accept?_

_- Pierre Nobody_

Dear Monsieur Nobody

Like you have noted yourself, the lady is not interested in Pierre Nobody. However, since the lady is willing to mistake you for a Comte, I see no problem with you accepting her invitation first before clarifying things at a later stage in your relationship.

- Wishing you luck, LaDonna

_Editor's Note: Due to certain personal matters and complaints from certain persons, Mademoiselle LaDonna will be leaving Paris. It is with a heavy heart that we bid a fond au revoir to LaDonna, our advice columnist. As of the next issue, the advice column will revert to the Captain's Desk. Admirers of the lady please cease and desist with the perfumed love-letters. She did not leave us a forwarding address and I'm tossing out the stack she left behind before my office starts smelling like a cheap brothel._

* * *

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* * *

Notices:

There, there, Rochefort. Your men did put up a good show. You just forgot a musketeer is worth ten of your men, so you did turn up a little short. By the way, the country boy is worth five of your men– the Three Musketeers

_Madame Tonafa's Cosmetics, Potions and Powders has moved to a classer location! Ladies, you may find me at my new address at 66, Rue Champs Elysees. Do continue to come to us for your beauty treatments and love potions. We have something to meet all your domestic and romance needs. _

Dear Fan-Fan, have faith. We look forward to seeing you and the ladies soon, really soon – Porthos and Aramis

_To Monsieur LeBrand: it is with great regret that I end our working relationship. There is no way I can use the same tailor as that puffed-up English popinjay – Porthos_

If you have dropped by the Palais de Justice recently, we have in a cage 3 muskrats we have chosen to name in honour of friends Porthos, Athos and Aramis. We will be skinning them and turning their pelts over to make a pair of gloves for His Eminence. All welcome to watch their flaying next Friday – The Cardinal's Guards

**Author's Notes:**

Bad oysters, I beg to differ. That one bit of advice will return to haunt Milady.

I was reading a book on England during Charles II's reign and apparently, the colloquial name for syphilis back then was the 'French Pox'. I was wondering if the French then called it the 'English Pox'.


	7. Issue 7

Disclaimer: Dumas is in the public domain.

Another naughty, naughty issue. Muskrat skinning? Methinks not…

**Le Canard**

_Issue 7_

Madame Tonafa Cosmetics and Potions Recall

Hugely popular cosmetic retailer Madame Tonafa has been ordered by Parisian authorities to cease the sale of her powders and potions due to highly toxic elements in her products including lead, mercury and arsenic. After complaints of skin ailments and rashes, Parisian inspectors have put samples of the lotions and powders to the test at Université de Paris. Results have shown high levels of toxic metals and other substances. Women are warned to cease using their lead-based powders and belladonna eye-drops or run the risk of unsightly skin ulcers, blindness or worse. Among the list of blacklisted potions are: Aqua di Tonafa Love Drops, Snow White Lead Powder, Belladonna Eye-drops and Cinnabar-Red Lip Rouge.

Unrepentant, Madame Tonafa is challenging the city's orders to cease her business, alleging that she only produced her lotions and powders from ancient Venetian and Italian recipes, which have been proven safe and their quality highly vouched for by the likes of famous beauties Lucretia Borgia, Catherina Sforza and Maria di Medici. The court has denied her appeal. However, customers of Madame Tonafa are quick to speak in her defence and that of her potions when questioned. They hope they would be able to continue using her products in the future.

"Her love drops brought me and my beloved together, I highly recommend it to any girl in similar straits as I was," a new bride exclaimed.

"I made a gift of her powders to my husband's mistress and my husband came back to me within the week," a happy wife declared. "We haven't seen that hubby-snatching bitch since."

"Her bed-lotions gave an extra oomph in my relationship with my lover, the King… now we're happily engaged to be wed by Sunday," a young wife said. Said lady was hastily bundled off to an asylum by her husband, who alleged that she had not been in her right mind since she started using Tonafa's lip rouge and powders.

* * *

Muskrats Escape, Cardinal Attacked up the Cassock

The scheduled public flaying of Porthos, Athos and Aramis the muskrats hit a major snag when the rodents engineered an escape from their cages prior to the event. The vermin then surprised His Eminence the Cardinal and guest-of-honour by running up his cassock. The spectators were treated to an impromptu dance and song number by the Cardinal while he tried to dislodged the unwelcome intruders from his privy parts. "I've seen weasel-pantsing in England but this really rocks," an English visitor to Paris declared. "And boy, can that old chap dance a jig."

After a couple minutes of squeals, yelling and cussing, our beloved cardinal finally rid himself of the muskrats. The vermin were last seen diving into the Seine for a swim to the nearest marsh with their mates. Local farmers have lodged a complaint against the Cardinal's Guards for the unauthorised release of exotic wildlife with a potential for threatening their harvests. The city authorities have declared open season on the vermin. Citizens are invited to shoot, trap and kill any muskrat they can find to safeguard this year's harvests. A reward of 100 sous will be paid per rat from the coffers of the Cardinal's Guards.

"His Eminence escaped serious injury," his right-hand man declared. "Contrary to rumours, his privy parts are unscathed and no, he will not be singing soprano in the Notre Dame choir. Those rumours making the rounds of the taverns about His Eminence's nuts being stolen are utterly slanderous and baseless. I can vouch for that. Now if you excuse me, I have some matters to see to for my master…" With that statement, the Comte de Rochefort concluded our interview saying he is tied up by some urgent business for the cardinal.

* * *

Cross-Channel Travel Boom and Exchange

Calais - With a recent thaw in relationships with our English neighbours, ships and coastal towns have reported a boom in travellers to and from England. In Calais, merchants welcome the new chapter in relations with open arms. New taverns, inns, brothels and public houses have been sprouting up like mushrooms in response to the influx. Ship captains running the cross-Channel route have reported an increase in passenger numbers over the past year. "Normally we carry cargo and one or two passengers on business, but now whole families are travelling to England for leisure. We have not seen passengers numbers this high since St Bartholomew's Day," an elderly sea captain reported.

In addition to trade and sightseers, local towns have fostered ties with their English counterparts in other ways despite religious differences.

"We really hope this lasts, we have married both our daughters off across the Channel and we would like to keep in touch with them," an innkeeper was quoted as saying.

"They say English girls are very sensible and keep a tight household, I should know, I just took one as wife!" a young bridegroom declared. "Now the only thing we have to work out is to rear the little ones as Catholic or Protestant…" At which point, his new wife lovingly tweaks his ear. We guess those little ones will be saying their bedtime prayers in English.

The Count of Calais has recently engineered the betrothal of his youngest son with a distant English cousin and daughter of the Earl of Dover, no doubt with fervent prayers that the good relations between the kingdoms of France and England would last till the youngsters reach their majority. The last betrothal with a Spanish count's daughter fell through when relations soured between the French and Spanish courts.

* * *

Cardinal's Guards Buy Out Messenger Pigeon Service in Paris

Paris- For speedier delivery of His Eminence's orders and letters, the Cardinal's Guards have bought out local messenger pigeon operator Pigon's for their exclusive use. The Guards have clarified that they will allow the delivery of orders and letters issued from other official departments and the royal court. The messages will have to be left at the Palais de Justice for processing and delivery. Common citizenry have expressed their dismay at this move. Citizens will now have to rely on horse and messenger to deliver their urgent mail.

* * *

Advice Column- The Captain's Desk

I am Athos and I will be covering for Monsieur de Treville while he attends to some urgent matters concerning a nosey bird of a cardinal trying to get into our secret mail. I will answer a few of your letters with a bottle of Burgundy red.

_Dear Captain_

_I am caught in a blind. I think my employer is sorely abusing this young lady but I am a coward and dare not do anything about it. My conscience is now getting to me…_

_- Felton_

Dear Felton

Are you a man or a mouse? Do what is right by your conscience dammit!

- Athos

_Dear Captain_

_I believe I took some really bad advice from the last columnist and acted on it. I will deny not that it was all fun and games until the real Comte came into town and she realised he was not the one bedding her. Now the Mademoiselle is screaming rape and demanding that I be hung till dead. _

_- Pierre Nobody_

Dear Scumbag

Yes, it is rape and the lady is right to kick up a fuss over what you did to her. Face your punishment like a man.

_Dear Captain_

_My master used to be a seminary student but he has turned to soldiering. He now drinks, whores and gambles with abandon. He used to be such a good man with a bright future in the church before he threw it all away. Now he wallows with his fellow soldiers in a cesspit of sinful fornication and adultery with little regard for God. Could you please help me persuade my master to return to his true calling?_

_- A Pious Servant_

Dear Hypocritical Ass

I am a close friend to your master and I know a cassock will not stop him from his night-time expeditions. We admit that we are no saints, but neither are you. Whether to don armour or a cassock is his own choice, not yours. About fornication being sinful, that is quite something coming from a hypocrite like you. Yes, we all know about you and the baker's wife, _and her mother._ If you should ever feel piously inclined, shut that yapping mouth of yours lest we feel inspired to the sin of garrotting you with your own rosary.

- Athos

_Dear Captain_

_I hate to speak ill of my master but he has a bit of a drinking problem. On good nights, he's just out like a light with the drink. I just have to get him cleaned up and tuck him into bed before clearing up the broken glass, vomit and other messes he leaves behind. On bad nights, he knocks and kicks me about a fair bit before turning in. He's been having more bad nights recently and I fear for his health and well-being. He has some really good buddies but they aren't always there to help him as they have their own Musketeer duties to attend to. The other servants have already fled due to his fits and I am loathe to abandon him. He's a really decent man when sober… Methinks his recent bout is due to the fact he ran into his wife… Please help me help my master… _

_- Suffering in Silence_

Dear You Impudent Knave

I do NOT have a drinking problem and I do NOT have a problem with my ex-wife. She's dead as far as I'm concerned. Do not presume to mention her before me. I do not need your help. If you really wish to be of use, have ready my saddle bags and two bottles of red wine for me on the table when I get back, lest I flog your sorry hide into next week.

- Your Master Athos

* * *

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Paris Sign Language School opening registration for students next week. We are a special school for the benefit of deaf, mute and deaf-mute children. Please note that we are a charitable organisation under the kind sponsorship of His Majesty and places are limited. We regret that we do not have the means to accept adult students.

* * *

Notices:

_Madame Fanny's_ open for business! We look forward to welcoming you gentlemen back.

_To all musketeers, their kin and kith, we will be organizing a falconry weekend outside the city walls with a pigeon-catching contest. His Majesty will be attending as Guest-of-Honour. Falcons will be provided by Hawkes Falconry to participants without their own birds at 50 sous a bird for the event. _

To Porthos, Athos, Aramis and friend – We at _Cheval House_ know you are on urgent official business, but could you please stop killing our horses with your hard riding? It is hard to get Spanish stallions recently with the tensions on the border.

_Dear customers, the management of the Cock and Bull would like to request that you cease decorating our walls with naughty graffiti of the Cardinal and his henchman the Comte de R. Yes, it might be amusing to you hard-drinking rapscallions but we do cater to families and would like to keep it that way. If you still feel the urge to express yourselves in erotic art, we can recommend a local pamphleteer. _

**Author's Notes:**

Poor Grimaud and Bazin better watch their steps. Don't worry, Athos doesn't really mean it about flogging his servant. That's the drink talking, hopefully...

Historical fact: Many cosmetics used in the medieval and early modern era were highly toxic. Here are some examples.

Lead face powder – to achieve that pasty white complexion in the 16th to 18th century by ladies and to some extent men. Ironically, lead causes skin blemishes and lesions, requiring their users to use more powder…

Belladonna – used since the Renaissance to achieve that doe-eyed look in ladies. Users will suffer from blurred vision with a risk of blindness due to chronic use.


	8. Issue 8

Disclaimer: Dumas is in the public domain.

More naughtiness. I have been debated on whether or not to drop in that Tower of London debacle from the 2011 movie… Heck, why not? This issue – flying machines, and a new columnist.

**Le Canard**

_Issue 8_

Tower of London Damaged by French Tourists

London – A formal diplomatic complaint has been lodged with London's French Embassy after a trio of drunken French tourists hijacked an airship from the Royal Naval Academy and damaged the historical London landmark, the Tower of London. The Frenchmen then fled for France before they could be apprehended by the English authorities. The King of England's personal lap-dog and Acting Warden of the Tower, Duke of Buckingham, is demanding the extradition of the suspects. However, as no treaty of extradition has been signed, Cardinal Richelieu declined to act on the Duke's request.

"This is an outrage! An act of war! We were quietly interrogating a suspected anarchist when these buffoons blasted my office to kingdom come. Good Lord! Do you have any idea how much effort and gold it costs to do my hair and the suit which they have utterly destroyed? And to cap things off, that anarchist escaped during the commotion and I can assure you he'd be giving us law-abiding folks a tough time…" the Duke said when interviewed.

* * *

New Flying Invention Stolen from Musketeers

Paris - The Musketeers' in-house inventor, Sir Albert, has reported the theft of his latest prototype invention from his workshop just outside the city gates. The inventor has been working on a new-fangled flying ship based on plans from the Italian genius Leonardo da Vinci which he had recovered in the trash-heap of the Universite de Paris after their spring cleaning. The machine was last seen by Sir Albert and his assistants last Monday but the theft was only reported on Wednesday when they affirmed that the disappearance of the prototype on Tuesday was not a barracks prank.

"We meant to keep it quiet until the unveiling before His Majesty. It still has a few bugs which need working out, so I sincerely hope no one has tried to fly it yet…" Sir Albert was quoted as saying. He pleads for the return of the machine, saying that he and his mates have spent weeks on it and that it is like a baby to them.

The notion of flight has not been greeted warmly by all quarters. The Cardinal has declared the idea of humans flying be considered blasphemy and recommend the excommunication of the inventor and his crew. "If God meant us to fly, we would have been born with wings. Such endeavours are unnatural and an insult to God's order!" However, he refused to comment on allegations that his Guards were in the midst of working on a similar project on human flight at Rue de St Denis.

Giant Mechanical Bird Crashes into Notre Dame

A flying machine crashed into Notre Dame yesterday afternoon, gravely disrupting the 3 o'clock Mass. The craft was described by witnesses as a boat under a big rotten sausage. The pilot and crew were slightly injured and made a quick getaway before the Cardinals' Guards came running. The deacon of Notre Dame states that no damage is done to the famous Rose windows' stained glass but masons will be hired to repair the damaged roof and façade on the South Tower. The Cardinal has most kindly offered to foot the bill for the repairs to the cathedral.

* * *

Falconry Fad: Parisian Pigeon Population Dives

The Parisian feral pigeon population has dived due to the recent wave of interest in falconry. Due to lack of hares and other suitable game in the city, falconers in Paris have trained their hawks to catch pigeons. Squab pie vendors voice their dismay at this trend. "We have to incur more costs actually rearing our birds instead of trapping them off the streets," a vendor said. "If this keeps up, I may have to start selling kitten-pies instead." Another casualty of the pigeon decimation is the messenger pigeon service operated by the Cardinal's offices.

"We are losing our birds at a most alarming rate. If this continues, we may have to reinstate the pony express service we did away with last year," an anonymous guardsman was quoted. Based on reliable information, three out of four pigeon-huts at the office are empty as their occupants have gone missing in action and are believed killed by falcons. The Cardinal has requested the import of falcon-savvy pigeons from the south to replace the lost birds.

* * *

Advice Column- The Captain's Desk

Dear all readers, due to complaints about my colleague's gruff manner, I, Aramis, will be covering the desk on behalf of our Captain. Please do not bear my friend any hard feelings, that is just the way Athos is, the grumpy old bear. I look forward to assisting you in your hour of need.

_Dear Captain,_

_I have a nagging feeling my lackey is about to do me in. Am I being paranoid after someone fired a cannon into my office? I mean, he has been with me a long time… through a couple of battles, I might add. I didn't promote him the last round because I like having him as an underling. He's terribly competent. Now he gives me the evil eye whenever I order him about. _

_Duke of B_

Dear Duke B

I believe competency should be rewarded. Perhaps it is time to overhaul your human resource management, lest it is more than staring daggers you have to worry about.

-Sincerely, Aramis

_Dear Captain_

_There is a young woman whose life I believe to be in mortal danger (and possibly her immortal soul as well) from her dalliance with a most unsuitable ruffian. We are thinking of putting her in a good old convent – one of those with thick, high walls. Could you recommend a couple please? _

_- Worried Brother_

Dear Brother

Allow me to remind you that thick, high walls are easily breached as shown in the Biblical siege of Jericho. Ivy, ladders or rope and a very cooperative lady on the inside can reduce any wall into a large open door with a welcome mat. Take it from my personal experience in sneaking about convents when I was studying for the priesthood. My colleague would recommend sorting things out with the ruffian in question directly as a means to protect your damsel.

- Sincerely, Aramis

_Dear Captain_

_My friends think I am a grumpy drunk! I do not have a drinking problem and I am not a grumpy bear. I admit I am a bit of a loner and perhaps a little blunt in my words. I like my wine as much as the next musketeer… Okay, maybe I do drink a bit to take the edge off life. But there's no harm in that, right? Leave me be. _

_- Olivier de la Fere_

Dear Mon Ami

I sincerely hope you are considering a visit to that Alcoholics Anonymous Paris address on the card we left on your dresser, after we finally put you to bed the other night. A recap on what happened the other night after your drinking binge- first you kissed our Captain thinking he was a serving wench. Then you got into a brawl with some of the Cardinal's men. Okay, maybe we enjoyed that part of the party as well. Next came the undressing in the market square before your loyal servant came running with a blanket. We had to fish him out the well when you threw him into it. You then threw up over the new clothes of a large friend while we were getting you home. Finally, you climbed into bed, not yours, the rookie's – while he was sleeping in it. Things could have gotten really awkward about there but you were lucky the boy sleeps like a log. Seriously, _mon ami, _we are considering intervention in your case.

- Fumingly yours, Aramis

_Dear Captain_

_I am in a bit of a pickle. You see, there was this hot guy I met on the road some time back. We ended up in the same room, alone. One thing led to another – well, now I have a little bawling souvenir of that one-night stand. I am so not ready for motherhood. I just saw that guy the other night. Should I get him to be responsible for the child? I don't need him to marry me as I am already married. My husband is out of the country since two years back and does not know about the baby yet. I just need someone to take care of the baby before my husband finds out and kills us both!_

_- Desperate Housewife_

Dear Madame Desperate

Accidents do happen. I agree that the father of the child should contribute to the welfare of his offspring. However, I doubt the wisdom in entrusting your child to some guy you only had a single night's acquaintance with. You may wish to check up on him first to ensure he is a suitable guardian. Otherwise, do you know a priest or orphanage you can leave the infant with?

- Aramis (if it is my child, I will recommend you leave it at the local orphanage. I am not ready for fatherhood too)

_Dear Captain_

_Er, this is really awkward. The other night, I had this weird dream about my senior climbing into bed with me, snuggling up and whispering sweet nothings into my ear. I don't think he actually did it. I mean, the next morning at breakfast he didn't act as though anything happened between us. I do not know what to make of it. Is it a dream caused by the eels I had for dinner? Gasp! Or is this a sign that I am secretly attracted to my senior in a carnal manner? I already have a steady girlfriend! And aren't such thoughts sinful according to the Bible? _

_- Confused Lad_

Dear Lad

It is just a bad dream caused by the three helpings of eel stew you had before bedtime. Don't dwell on it.

- Yours, Aramis

P.S. If you still need to talk to me in private about sin-issues, see me after dinner in the study.

* * *

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_Kitten-Pies – the new Squab. Tasty, tender and deliciously mouth-watering. Best part of it – no feathers!_

Alcoholics Anonymous – have a drinking problem? Friends and family threatening to leave you thanks to it? Want to moderate your drinking but need more support? Come down to AA Paris at 13A, Rue St Vincent, next to Pinot Vinters Fine Wines.

_Imported Falcons from Malta now on sale at Hawkes. Highly trained, loyal and handsome. Buy one today._

Daggers R Us – Manufacturers of fine Italian stilettos. Handy and efficient. A must-have for all assassins.

* * *

Notices 

Would-be spies and thieves are hence forewarned. We have upgraded the security system at our workshop. Instead of leaving the pit-traps empty, we have filled them with venomous adders. Also, we have upgraded our guard dogs from English spaniels to Hungarian Wolfhounds- Albert de P.

_Athos, after clapping my eyes on that magnificent physique of yours that night, I can't get you out of my head. Tete-a-tete? – Marie M._

Bored lady seeks gentleman companion. Must be pleasant on the eyes, cultured and witty. Duties will include escorting lady to balls, theatre and hunts. Additional duties in the bedroom negotiable. Contact Violette at Rue de Michon, the house with the periwinkles.

**Author's Notes:**

Hope the change of columnist helps.

Not quite sure locating AA next to a liquor store is going to help folks quit drinking.


	9. Issue 9

Disclaimer: Dumas is in the public domain.

The cardinal finds a way to toss a monkey wrench in the musketeers' wheels. Porthos gets a go at the advice column.

**Le Canard**

_Issue 9_

Parade Embarrassment: Captain de Treville Rebuked

The parade in celebration of the military achievements of the late King was a dismal failure when the citizens of Paris were greeted by the sight of rumpled uniforms, filthy horses and muddy boots courtesy of the King's Musketeers. The respected Monsieur de Treville was seen running in a tizzy between the ranks in an attempt to straighten rumpled cloaks and brush the flanks of their horses even as His Majesty's entourage arrived, including the Duke of Orleans. The parade was interrupted when several improperly shod horses lost their shoes and went lame.

"As King of France, we must apologize to you, beloved citizens, for the disastrous parade on Wednesday to celebrate our father's military achievements as Henri IV. The musketeers showed up with their uniforms in a most embarrassing disarray. The horses looked as if they had returned from a hundred years' war. Honestly, we have no idea what has befallen our normally smart and reliable boys in blue. We assure you that the Captain of the Musketeer Corps will be suitably rebuked for his men's blatant disregard for proper grooming and form. Perhaps we should consider using the Cardinal's Guards for the next parade," His Majesty declared.

"It's a disgrace for His Majesty. As Cardinal of Paris, I recommend de Treville and his men be expelled from the city and sent to the front in preparation for action at La Rochelle," Cardinal Richelieu exclaimed.

"This has never happened before. I cannot understand why none of the men's lackeys and servants reported for work this morning," a very harried Monsieur de Treville muttered when interviewed. "My men have tried their best. Alas, laundry and horse-grooming are well beyond their abilities."

Editor's Note and Apology from M. de Treville

Dear all Parisians, I apologize for the shameful performance by my men at the recent parade. At the same time, we would like to seek your assistance in petitioning for the safe release of our missing servants who have been foully framed by a certain churchman. In the meanwhile, we have openings for temporary housekeeping and laundering services. The barracks is turning into a veritable pig sty.

However, despite calls for me to resign my post from a certain hostile faction, I will only do so upon His Majesty's orders. I would like to remind all that His Majesty appointed me and the Cardinal to the post of Editors of this paper and I have no intention of defying His Majesty's wishes. Long Live the King.

- Editor, Monsieur de Treville

* * *

Raid at Local Cookhouse

In a daring raid, the Cardinal's Guards swooped in on a gang of suspected rebels at the Cock and Bull Cookhouse. In a snap trial, they were found guilty on the spot by the cardinal's right-hand man and sentenced by His Eminence to hard labour. The arrested men were dragged off in chains to the quarries still protesting their innocence. When interviewed by the paper, the taverner explained that the arrested men were servants in the hire of various members of the Musketeer Corps. The men had gathered for a scheduled celebration party with free flow drink and food sponsored by the Cardinal in recognition of their loyal services to Paris' best. Well, there is no such thing as a free lunch, men.

* * *

Food Poisoning Deaths at Convent – Mass Hysteria

Bethune – Several nuns and pilgrims had taken seriously ill at a local convent in an outbreak of food-poisoning. Two deaths have been reported to date. The first victim was identified by the sisters as a young female pilgrim from Paris. The second was the convent's elderly cook, although officials believed she might have drowned in the soup pot after falling in rather than from her illness. Bad bread is suspected. Symptoms of the illness include hallucinations, delusions and hysteria.

Local villagers have reported screaming from the convent and patients running about the gardens in the nude baying at the moon. The Mother Superior has ordered flour to be delivered to the convent from the next town as per medical advice and the disposal of all mouldy loaves. Also, prayers are called for and the nuns kindly request local menfolk to avert their eyes the next time one of the sisters has another delusion about becoming a wolf and takes to the woods.

* * *

Musketeer Barracks Declared Health Hazard by City Officials

Paris- City officials have declared the Musketeers' Barracks and its surroundings a health hazard after complaints by neighbours on the stench and shocking lack of cleanliness. Piles of refuse and dirty laundries are seen in the yard while the stables were overflowing with manure. It would seem that the musketeers are incapable of maintaining basic hygiene within their barracks. The Musketeer Corps' in-house engineer, Sir Albert, has clobbered together a mechanical manure-shoveller to deal with the problem. However, the thing clearly has a few bugs as demonstrated at its trial-run when a passing troop of Cardinal's guards were pelted liberally with horse manure.

Pest control authorities have also issued a warning to the occupants after finding rat and roach infestations on the premises. The city still recalls the cholera epidemic of last summer traced to bad water at the now-defunct Dirty Mug Tavern. Local physicians have stocked up herbs and tonics to guard against the cholera, flux, typhus and other nasty plagues.

* * *

Guest Column by Cardinal Richelieu

As a concerned citizen of Paris, I must voice my concerns on the moral fibre and discipline of the King's Musketeer Corps under the dubious leadership of Monsieur de Treville. In addition to unprovoked attacks on my guards, his gang of hooligans have proven themselves to be nothing more than common scum in their sorry turnout for His Majesty's parade. In addition, allow me to remind you gentle citizens of the musketeers' perchance for tavern brawls and street fights with your local peacekeepers and the seduction and corruption of innocent Parisian women, girls and boys. I humbly suggest the immediate ousting of this gang of troublemakers and their captain from the fair city of Paris.

- Cardinal of Paris, Richelieu

* * *

Advice Column- The Captain's Desk

Due to some difficulties with the domestic help and barrack cleanliness, both our captain and Aramis are unavailable to answer your queries. While waiting to hear from Aramis if his lady friends would help us with our dirty laundry, I, Porthos, will answer your letters.

_Dear Captain_

_We were at the cookhouse for the free food promised by the Cardinal when we were rudely arrested and carted off to twenty years' hard toil at the quarries. Help! I am innocent of whatever it is you are accusing us of. I swear to God… Wait, maybe I did help myself to some of my Master's garments and added a few of my own onto his tailor's tab. He gets discounts from Monsieur LeBrand's so I suppose it's no biggie. But I did not do anything else wrong! Help! Get me a lawyer at least! I shouldn't have let that Planchet talk me into going… _

_-Servant in Need_

You Scoundrel

So that explains the extra items on my credit bill at LeBrand's and the missing shirts. In lieu of a lawyer, you are hereby fired. Now return me my missing clothes!

- Porthos

_Dear Captain_

_I am a new musketeer, well, not quite. I will be soon, once my probation is over. However, our servants have gone missing and as the most junior, I get saddled with all the chores by my more senior roommates. I didn't leave my home in Gascony to wash clothes and groom horses in Paris! Is there any way I can get out of the chores? Don't get me wrong. I like my Musketeer friends but surely they can lend me a hand with the chores instead of having me wash and iron all their clothes. All for one and one for all, guys? _

_- Disgruntled Rookie_

Dear Rookie

It's not that we are unwilling to aid you but chores are well beyond us. We require the assistance of a lackey to get our boots on right in the morning. Consider it a learning experience, boy. I will pay a compliment where it is due. I have never seen my horse so well groomed. That lazy Mouseton can't brush a horse right even it kicked him in the head. The cooking is just edible, barely. Could we have something besides turnip stew? Perhaps a roast for Sunday? As for the laundry… Oh, I believe you missed a spot on my cloak. Could you have it cleaned out before this evening's entertainments with Madame Fanny's girls? Perhaps polish my boots too…

- Porthos

_Dear Captain_

_My mistress left on a journey to England and failed to return. I have learnt she got herself executed for poisoning her second husband, with a side charge of treason against France. If being out of a job ain't bad enough, she left a ton of debt behind and the creditors are pounding down the door for payment. I'm as poor as a church-mouse. Help! Where's a knight in shining armour when a damsel needs one? _

_- Lost Kitty_

Dear Kitty

You are in luck! We have openings for servants at my place. Do you cook and clean? If yes, please drop by at No. 5, Rue de Rogues.

- Porthos

* * *

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_Lost Cat – Beloved pet Angora cat missing. White cat with odd green and amber eyes. Answers to the name of Mimi. Generous reward promised. If found, please contact Cardinal Richelieu at Palais de Justice. _

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Sick of whacking away a dozen times to sever that stubborn neck? Condemned prisoner escaping while you're busy at the whetstone? _Guillotine and Sons of Bethune_ – manufacturers of fine blades. The choice of discerning executioners looking for that perfect slice.

Notices

Protest notice by stable-hands union: We stable lads are most unhappy with this new-fangled device produced by Sir Albert the Dwarf. This new machine will put us honest boys out of work. So what if it can shovel manure faster? You gents will find it much less satisfying getting a lump of metal and wood to _(censored, censored. This is a family paper, boys. Keep it clean)._

_AA Paris to relocate to Rue de Longchamps, at the other end of town, far, far away from that wine merchant Pinot Vinters. Seriously, those free wine-tasting sessions you were offering are ruining our meetings. _

Dear Cardinal R, we have your cat. Free our servants or Mimi will be doing her part for charity feeding the poor, as a delicious kitty-pie. - Your friendly boys in blue.

_Notice from Cheval House – Gentlemen, what some of our stable-hands get up to with you after hours for extra coins is their own personal business. However, we will greatly appreciate it if you keep it out of our stables and lofts. And leave our riding crops alone. _

**Author's Notes:**

Don't worry too much about the poor cat. The musketeers were only kidding. Hopefully. Thanks to MlledeLaRoseBlanche for that idea on the cardinal's fondness for cats.

Some naughtiness going-on in the Cheval House stables.


	10. Issue 10

Disclaimer: Dumas is in the public domain.

This might be the last time I come here for a while as I seem to be hitting a brick wall in writing and other aspects in life.

The servants get released and a cat lover regains his darling Mimi.

**Le Canard**

_Issue 10_

Royal Ball – Their Majesties Stars of Party

The palace's annual Royal Ball was a stirring success as usual with an overwhelming turnout by the gentry. Due to the fine weather, the gardens were open and the feast was held on the lawn with tennis and musical entertainments. The highlight of the Ball was the appearance of Their Majesties. His Majesty, King Louis XIII was resplendent in a shining blue doublet with silver embroidery and lace trim. The high boots he wore was at the very height of fashion. Her Majesty was clad in a matching blue gown. Her hair was done in a daring new style of ringlets and she wore the famous diamond necklace His Majesty had presented to her on their wedding anniversary after much urging by the Queen Dowager.

Another highlight was the appearance by the famous three musketeers, who put up a fine display of fencing before the nobles before dancing with several ladies. It would seem that His Majesty has forgiven his musketeers for their lacklustre performance at the parade last week. The Cardinal was conspicuously absent from the ball and rumours have it that he was indisposed. His absence did little to dampen the festivities. In fact, the absence of his employer seemed to put Comte de Rochefort in a relaxed enough mood to drink and dance, making off with a toothsome lady Aramis had his eye on.

Duel Reports Unfounded

There was no duel in St Madeline's Cemetery between Aramis, Athos, Porthos and Comte de Rochefort over the affections of a young damsel. The Comte called foul when all three musketeers showed up for the duel in the spirit of all for one and one for all. "We would have brought D'Artagnan, but we thought we oughta give the Comte a fighting chance," Aramis explained. The duel was further prevented when Captain de Treville and his brother-in-law came by to pay their respects to their departed comrades and encountered the would-be duellers. The Captain and Monsieur de Essarts deny that they had adjourned to the cemetery for a duel after a harsh exchange of words during a war meeting.

Musketeer Servants Acquitted of Charges

In a surprising act of clemency, Cardinal Richelieu has called for the reopening of the cases of the suspected rebels arrested last week at the Cock and Bull Cookhouse. After a speedy re-trial, all the defendants were cleared of all charges and released to their employers at the Musketeers' Barracks. The servants were greeted with much warmth despite stern rebukes by their masters for their folly. However, not all were as fortunate. In particular, Musketeer Athos was witnessed admonishing his servant whilst lashing him with a riding crop. Musketeer Aramis was inquiring if he could send his servant back to the quarries until the man learns not to nag him over his various flings with select noblewomen. Musketeer Porthos was overhead asking the local bailiff on the procedures for filing charges of theft against his servant over his missing garments.

The Cardinal declined to be interviewed as to the reasons for the sudden reversal of his judgement. His right-hand man, Comte de Rochefort explained that His Eminence had gone home to catch up with his precious Mimi. We were unable to pry any further information from the Comte on this mysterious Mimi and can only speculate on the lady's relationship with the Cardinal.

Cardinal Denies Witchcraft Allegations – Cats Not Diabolical

The Cardinal of Milan has levelled charges of corruption, heresy and fraud against His Eminence Richelieu in Rome citing evidence of His Eminence's misuse of church funding, constant meddling in the kingdom's affairs and his overly pampered pet felines. "No man of God would allow those servants of Lucifer under his roof!" Alessandro Borgia declared. It has been predicted that should His Holiness the Pope perish from his recent bout of illness, the cardinals of Milan and Paris would be in the running for the Papacy. The cardinal of Paris has denied the charges of heresy and witchcraft arising from his fondness of cats.

"Cats are a part of God's creation and not Satan's minions as some allege," His Eminence declared when interviewed as he stroked an overfed specimen in his arms. "St Francis of Assisi, St Gertrude and St Gregory have had cats as their treasured companions. Verily, no creature is better suited to providing companionship to the saints. At this point, I would also like to urge an end to the summer bonfire tradition of burning cats in Paris." The Guards have expressed dismay at the cardinal's sentiments as the cat-burning show was a highlight of the traditional bonfire festivities ever since the city's Jews fled for Constantinople and English-burning was declared illegal.

Situation in La Rochelle Worsens – English Ambassador Summoned

Reports from the coast state that local fishermen have observed unusual boat activity off the La Rochelle. Ships of English built have been lurking off the city in the past weeks. The ships were described as bearing excessive armaments for merchant ships. A petition was sent by the bishop of the city to His Majesty requesting additions to the local garrison against a possible hostile force. His Majesty, Louis XIII, has granted the bishop's request. Monsieur de Treville and Monsieur de Essarts have been called upon to assemble a regiment of their best men and head out to the city.

The newly-arrived English ambassador, Lord de Winter, has been summoned to the palace to receive an official complaint from France on potentially hostile naval movements off La Rochelle. Lord de Winter has been newly appointed to replace the Duke of Buckingham. The late duke was assassinated one fine morning after a quarrel with his valet. The new ambassador has been described as a mouse and a milquetoast. When summoned by the Cardinal's Guards, he had to be dragged out from under the bed by his young nephew. Thanks, you little blighter.

Advice Column - The Captain's Desk

Since my friends are away and the Captain is out at an important meeting, I have been called upon for this task. Erm, I am actually quite new to this advice-giving thing, but hey, it beats scrubbing floors. By the way, my name's D'Artagnan and I hope to be a full-fledged musketeer really, really soon.

_Dear Captain_

_I allowed my son to go to Paris and seek his fortune as a musketeer. However, despite my patient waiting, I have yet to receive any letters from him. It has been six long months… I know he is doing well based on the letter I just received from a family friend based in Paris… I miss the lad. Would it be alright for me to ride our cow Betsy (my son took our Buttercup, our only horse) to Paris to visit? _

_- Doting Dad_

Dear Dad

Please no! I'm working on that letter now. And I will send you money for a horse if you need to visit. Just leave Betsy on the farm. Same for the sheep.

- Your Loving Son

_Dear Captain,_

_I've been a widow for a short time and to help me make ends met, I rented a couple of rooms on the second floor to a gentleman who has all the markings of being the best vintage (and he must be for is always in company of some bottles of the best wine), but I do not know if he looks at me with contempt or whether he is extremely shy, because he does not respond to proposals, whether direct or indirect, to share my bed in exchange for rent. I know that is frowned upon, but I'm fed up of having a big bed and no one to share it (at least no one as handsome as my tenant)._

_-Lonely Widow_

Dear Madame

Perhaps you might wish to hook up with someone less shy or clueless? Or perhaps he is not into the fairer sex? There are other fish in the sea, so my large friend always says…

- D'Artagnan

_Dear Captain_

_I was mistakenly reported as having died whilst on a contemplative retreat in a convent. However, I am back in Paris now and I hear my boyfriend has been bedding some Comtess in my absence. I storm off to his lodgings to confront him and find him in bed with the maid. Grr, I am so miffed. I don't want to see him ever again. Perhaps I should start anew elsewhere? My employer has a possible opening in Marseilles… I hear the men there are more reliable than some country lad from Gascony… _

_- Constance_

Constance!

Wait! You misunderstand. I wasn't serious about that Comtess one bit. Kitty and I were just trying to find a kitten which got into my bed. Please! Don't go….

- Desperately Yours, D'Artagnan

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Notices: 

To all would-be duellers – please kindly cease and desist the commandeering of new graves to hide the corpses. We undertakers have to explain to the families why someone else is in grandpere's grave and it's really awkward.

_Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA) protest on Sunday after Mass in the square before Notre Dame Cathedral – No more cat-burnings! All are welcome. We will be extending an invitation to our long-time patron, His Eminence Richelieu, to preside over the event. _

Merchants of Paris invite all to the summer bonfire fest at St Antoine's Borough. We offer a gold coin for every dozen cats.

**Author's Notes:**

I was wondering whether to pop in Constance's obituary or have her return from the 'dead'. But the prospect of a lovers' spat is too good to pass up.

Mordaunt is turning out to be real little pest, even as a kid.

Historical fact – Cat burning was a common practice in Europe during the medieval times and even up to the 1800s. Bags of cats would be tossed into lit bonfires to burn and it was said that Louis XIV of France presided over at least one such a cat-bonfire. Yes, it is bad when I get visions of carbonized kittens.


	11. Issue 11

Disclaimer: Works by Dumas is in the public domain.

I am reviving this fic to give everyone a much-needed laugh or two. In this issue, M. de Treville and his boys are called away from the _Le Canard_ offices for the good of France.

**Le Canard**

_Issue 11_

Cardinal Richelieu Takes Charge of Paper

Paris – The departure of those renegade Musketeers and Monsieur de Treville for the front at La Rochelle has necessitated the takeover of this paper by yours truly, Cardinal Richelieu. As of yesterday, His August Majesty Louis XIII has appointed me Editor in Charge of _Le Canard_. The Advice Column will be overseen by my trusted lackey, Comte de Rochefort. We hope that the musketeers will prove their worth to France in the siege of La Rochelle, or at the very least serve as cannon fodder for the glory of His Majesty.

As sole Chief Editor, I assure all readers that we will be dispensing with all frivolous personals, ads and poor reporting which Treville and his men have been flooding our city with in the past months. Indeed it is a boon to be able to bring to the citizens of Paris decent news and moral guidance, both of which had been so lacking under the stewardship of Treville and his knaves.

God's blessings upon all.

- Chief Editor, Cardinal Richelieu

Lt. Captain de Treville and Musketeers Depart for La Rochelle

The King's Musketeers have departed the city of Paris for La Rochelle under the leadership of M. de Treville. His Majesty Louis XIII is expected to meet up with them shortly after visiting a young lady with whom he has a platonic friendship with, we jest not. We can expect our boys in blue to put up a fierce fight and thrash the stuffing out of those English who dared to stand against France. In particular, Musketeers Prothos, Athos and Aramis were seen leaving the city with their fellows amidst cheers from the waiting crowds. Athos looked slightly hungover, as did his comrade Porthos. Aramis, a favourite of the ladies of Paris was besieged by a fair number of his paramours as he tried to ride out with his fellows. He adamantly denies that he is leaving the city to avoid paternity suits from his former lovers. The three famous Musketeers will form the King's personal security detail. Pray, good citizens, for the safety and well-being of Our Majesty.

Instead of leaving the Musketeer Headquarters empty, Monsieur de Treville has kindly agreed to loan the place to the _Parisian Charitable Home for Foundlings_ until they raise sufficient funds for a new home. "It is the least we could do to help the orphans after His Eminence saw fit to take back the land their current home stands on to build a guesthouse," the captain explained. "I trust the cardinal will be donating generously at the gala charity dinner Her Majesty will be hosting on Saturday…" Also leaving for La Rochelle are the Flanders Regiment and the Fifth Regiment under Monsieur de Essarts. They will be meeting up with the Second and Third Regiments in La Rochelle as reinforcements after the English bested the French navy off La Rochelle.

* * *

Duke of Buckingham Murdered

London- The Duke of Buckingham was stabbed to death by his valet after a violent quarrel over overdue pay. The villain was apprehended by Tower guards whilst in the act of attempting to hide the body in an inner wall of the Tower. The Tower is currently under repairs from damages suffered in an undeclared act of war by France. "We thought he was a Tower worksman at first, before we realised he was using a non-regulation trowel to put them bricks in," Guard Beefeater reported. "Naturally, we didn't want any trouble with the Masons Union folks so we had him arrested. That was when we saw his lordship's boots sticking out of the wall."

The accursed, John Felton, will be charged with first degree murder in light of the brutal nature of the crime. The duke was not particularly well-liked among his staff or peers as could be seen by the poor turnout at his funeral. "Hell, I don't like him, but free food's free food! And his estate did throw a big feast." a young noble in attendance was quoted as saying by our reporters. The Archbishop of Canterbury was persuaded by one of the duke's few friends, King Charles I of England, to give a eulogy and conduct the funeral. After which said clergyman was seen hurrying to the local baths so as to 'wash the filth of association with the deceased off his person'.

* * *

New Guesthouse to be Built, Orphanage to be Razed

Paris – To attract more pilgrims to Notre Dame de Paris, the cardinal has decreed that a new guesthouse be built catering to well-heeled visitors to the cathedral. The new guesthouse is expected to boast indoor baths with hot water, gardens for walking and furnishings from Italy for the comfort and enjoyment of the pious rich. The new guesthouse will occupy the current site of the _Parisian Charitable Home for Foundlings._ To discourage parents from wilfully abandoning their offspring, the cardinal has decided to remove places where parents in dire circumstances might leave their young. Parents are expected to make responsible arrangements for the care of their children before wilfully dying. The occupants of the home are given a week to leave the city or be arrested for vagrancy.

The current management of the orphanage, Sister Anna, is pleading for an alternative site for the orphans to live. "We currently have fifty orphans under the age of eight, many of which are physically or mentally disabled and will not qualify for adoption or apprenticeship. Please, citizens of Paris, be merciful!" The Queen has decided to assist by throwing a fundraiser for the benefit of the orphanage. Couples seeking to adopt are strongly encourage to call on the home.

* * *

Advice Column – Ask the Comte

I seriously do not know how I allow my master to talk me into this.

_Dear Captain_

_I am a loyal French subject and a pious Catholic. However, my neighbours keep trying to run me out of town recently. I don't understand why they hate me so much. The last time I tried to talk to them, they set my barn on fire. Whatever did I do to deserve such hostility? Help? _

_- A. Hugh Genot_

Seriously? You are lucky you and your family have not been murdered in your beds yet. Take a good hard look at your name again in light of our recent Protestant troubles with La Rochelle and England. Now tell me if it is time for a name change.

- Comte R.

_Dear Captain_

_I am in a fine bit of trouble now. You see, I shacked up with this soldier and bore him a son. Now he's packing himself off to battle and leaving us without any means of support. We aren't married and for all I know he might have a legal wife somewhere. How am I to feed our little boy in his absence? What should I do? _

_- Mother of One _

Dear Ma'am

May I suggest leaving said son at the local orphanage- oops, scratch that. Paris no longer has an orphanage soon. Send the brat to the countryside or the quarries to fend for himself. Otherwise, if your boy is old enough to walk and lug powder horns about, you might also consider sending him to join his old man at the front. The powder boys do have a distressing habit of getting blown to smithereens.

- Comte R.

_Dear Captain_

_I run a home for abandoned children and orphans but we have been given notice to vacate the premises. They want to raze the building and make way for a fancy hotel. Help!_

_- Sister Anna_

Dear Sister

My master would advise you to put your trust in God's goodness. For me, may I suggest putting the children to work in quarries? It will keep them out of trouble. Otherwise, you can consider moving out of the city before we arrest you and the brats for trespass and vagrancy.

- Comte R.

_Dear Captain_

_I met a dark and handsome man at the Royal Ball last month and I think I have fallen in love with him. However, I have been in a steady relationship with Musketeer and I don't know how I can break the news to him. Let's just call him A. A is awfully sweet. All roses and poetry… but I think I liked it better rough, even though Mama says a real lady should not. A is charming and a real gentleman but my dark swordsman is so much more in bed. Oh, I feel such a slut! _

_- Lusty Damsel _

Madame

Come to me at Room 6, Hotel Rouge Friday night. I will show you what a true swordsman is like in bed.

- Lustily Yours, Comte R.

_Dear Captain_

_I had a spat with my boyfriend and now he has been sent to the front at La Rochelle. I caught him cheating on me with the maid. Not sure if I will be forgiving him yet. I miss having him about now that he is gone away. Especially at night when I get oh-so-lonely in bed. Should I cast about for a new man or give him a second chance? I can't be a lady-in-waiting forever…_

_- Lonesome Lady_

Mademoiselle

May I propose a ménage a trois with the lusty Madame? Let's meet up for a midnight bout this Friday. Rraaoww…

- Very lustily yours, Comte R.

Mesdames and Messieurs, this advice column thing might have some benefits. I look forward to serving you in our next issue.

* * *

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_Dear C, please wait for my return from La Rochelle. I promise I will make it up to you, dearest love. – D'A. _

**Author's Notes:**

I have killed off the Duke of Buckingham and sent the boys off to the battlefield. The Cardinal and his henchmen now have full run of Paris and the newspaper.

Comte de Rocheforte is attempting to give Aramis a run for his reputation as the biggest Romeo in Paris.


	12. Issue 12

Disclaimer: Works by Dumas is in the public domain.

Is the orphanage going to be saved? How is the war going? The cardinal takes over the column due to unforeseen circumstances.

**Le Canard**

_Issue 12_

Parisian Orphanage to Stay Open

The _Parisian Charitable Home for Foundlings_ will stay open due to overwhelming support from the royal court. The gala dinner thrown by Her Majesty successfully raised enough funds for not only the purchase of the land on which the orphanage stands to from the Church but also feed and clothe the occupants for the next two years. Even the cardinal was taken aback by the response, which included generous grants from the Italian, Spanish embassies and the Duchies of Lorraine and Alsace.

"Of course we want the orphanage to stay open. Where else could we put our bastard offspring?" a courtier explained. "They do say that abortion and infanticide are sins, unless the church is making an exception for us, I do not see why we would want the orphanage closed down."

Her Majesty held herself well despite the absence of His Majesty. His Majesty is currently at La Rochelle, leading his men. Her Majesty was modestly but stylishly garbed in a bright blue gown with a high lace collar. She donated a generous sum of fifty livres along with a promise of hiring the older and more able-bodied orphans to serve in the court as attendants. She vehemently denies that she will be buying the dwarf-children from the orphanage for use as hunting hound training aids.

"We have made the acquaintance of two lovely and witty youngsters at the orphanage, Tom Thumb and Thumbelina. We are considering offering them the posts of court jesters. Unlike some persons, we do not throw dwarfs to our mastiffs."

* * *

Dwarf-Tossing Complaint Lodged, Tavern under Investigation

The _Stag _Tavern is currently under investigation for an incident of dwarf abuse after Musketeer Sir Albert was tossed onto a rack of antlers during a sending-off party for the Musketeers leaving for the front. The dwarf musketeer's plight went unnoticed by his comrades until the next morning when he was pried off the stag's head by a Good Samaritan. Sir Albert has since regained consciousness and is recovering from his injuries in the Hospital de Paris. The musketeer alleged that he was set upon by a dozen of the cardinal's men in the back alley answering the call of nature and that the incident has nothing to do with his musketeer friends or the tavern. He also insisted that he was not a victim of dwarf abuse as he is no dwarf, only vertically-challenged. The_ Stag_ will remain closed until further notice.

* * *

City Authorities Announce Crackdown on Crime, Raid on Hotel

Paris – City authorities have announced a crackdown on crime in the city, starting with raids on establishments of dubious repute. Authorities deny that this is the latest move in the cardinal's plan to modernise the city by grabbing and demolishing older buildings. Popular establishments recently targeted include the _Stag _Tavern, Madame Fanny's and Hotel Rogue. The owners of the aforementioned buildings have been embroiled in disputes with the city with regards to licensing fees and property tax payments. Madame Fanny is protesting the move by the city to close her brothel and calls on all her clients to continue supporting her business instead of seeking out some pox-ridden streetwalker.

The most recent raid was carried out Friday night on Hotel Rogue. The cardinal's men arrested several guests and staff engaged in illicit activities. A surprising haul was the Comte de Rochefort, captain of the Cardinal's Guard. The Comte was arrested for indecent acts involving three young women, one of whom was revealed to be a minor. The names of the ladies will not be released to the public by order of their highly-ranked families. The Comte protests his innocence in the matter.

"I thought she was an adult with those breasts and hips. How the heck would I have known she was only fifteen? Her sister neglected to inform me. And I've told that moron Jurssac to carry out the raid on Saturday night, not Friday!" Rochefort was quoted as saying as he was hauled off to the goal butt-naked. The newspaper understands that the husband of one of the females involved has demanded the satisfaction of a duel. The request has been denied by His Eminence on the grounds of illegality.

* * *

Stalemate at La Rochelle – Possible Peace Talks

After a week of stalemate thanks to storms and other poor weather, His Majesty and the Duke of Wellington are seeking a possible resolution to the La Rochelle problem via peace talks. The expected reinforcements from Spain were unable to arrive in time due to bad weather and the English were kept on their ships thanks to the spirited defence of French soil by the Musketeers. In particular, four French gentlemen have already been recommended for honours, albeit under dubious circumstances.

Musketeers Porthos and Athos were credited with the capture of an English naval captain when they rowed out under the cover of night into the English fleet and grabbed the prisoner despite being outarmed and outmanned. The pair were disappointed that they had failed to land an admiral. We understood that the pair had been bored in their trench and sought to cure their boredom with a fishing expedition. Their commanding officer Captain de Treville has waived punishment for their illicit expedition in light of their achievement.

Musketeer Aramis and a trainee musketeer known as D'Artagnan were credited with the capture of a pair of English spies who had somehow sneaked behind French lines. "I thought things were fishy when he didn't cross himself like a good Catholic when I was leading prayers, so I brained him with a Bible," Aramis explained. When the other spy tried to stab Aramis, he was set upon and wrestled into the mud by D'Artagnan. The spies were stripped to their underwear before being marched through the camp to the Captain's tent for questioning.

* * *

Advice Column – Ask the Cardinal

The only reason I am forced into the most undignified position of answering mundane requests for aid instead of attending to greater national and spiritual matters is because the imbecile who was to answer your letters was caught in the middle of some orgy in a seedy hotel room with some little girl. I'm letting the idiot stew in the dungeons for now. Perhaps I will see him after Mimi's grooming appointment.

_Dear Comte_

_My big sister is meeting loads of handsome gents and having fun. She was with some musketeer, now she's with some Captain. I just came home from the convent after finishing my studies and I want to have fun like my sis. How can I convince my sister to take me along the next time she meets a man? I am a grown woman too._

_- Not a Little Girl_

Mon Petite Fille

Sadly, based on the contents of your letter, I have reached the conclusion that you are better suited to life within a convent. Your sister is a slut and a poor example who might be at home in an establishment like Madame Fanny's.

My condolences to your parents, Cardinal R.

_Dear Comte_

_My men are fools, in particular those three Inseparables! They broke every single protocol, rule and procedure… yet somehow they get the job done, after giving me a near heart attack. I am not as young as I used to be. I can't take the stress! They are lucky His Majesty is so lenient and generous with them. One fine day those morons will overstep their boundaries and their luck will run out and it's the Bastille for them or worse! What's worse is that they are setting a bad example for the son of a close friend of mine and I fear for the lad's safety. The latest incident had him wrestling an armed man twice his size when he ought to be in bed recovering from being thrown off and kicked in the head by his horse the day before. _

_- Frustrated Captain_

Dear Captain

I can understand your pain. My best subordinate is a lack-wit who requires me to bail him out of trouble on occasion. Perhaps you can send the lad my way. He might still be salvageable. As for those three pain-in-the-necks, I recommend the hospitality of the Bastille's well-equipped torture chambers.

- Cardinal R.

_Dear Whoever is running the column_

_I was arrested in a raid and hauled off on charges of indecency and corruption of a minor. I swear we didn't actually do anything yet. Well, we were naked and there was a bit of cuddling and tickling. Argh! I was just seeking out some female companionship. Now everyone thinks I am some cradle-snatching pervert. I am in a prison now and well, I fear for my safety as I was the guy who put most of the other chaps in here in the first place. Help me get out of this mess._

_- Lonely Guy_

Dear Lonely

You should have thought about that before hopping into bed with little girls. Sorry to hear you are sharing your cell with hardened scum who would like nothing better than to kill you slowly and painfully. Take it like a man. Well, at least you will be lonely no more with that august company.

- Cardinal R

_Dear Comte_

_I am working as a powder boy at La Rochelle. When I signed up for this job, I had no idea how dangerous it was. There were twelve of us powder boys and now I am the only one left. The rest are scattered all over the sand with gulls pecking at their remains. I got into this for the food and shelter, not to be blown up as cannon fodder. I can't desert as that would be bad, wouldn't it? How can I stay alive to go home and see mama? I tried praying like Monsieur Aramis does but I never learnt my Latin proper. Does God take prayers in French? _

_- Little Soldier Boy_

Dear Little Soldier

In all likelihood that by the time this newspaper reaches La Rochelle, you would have joined your fellows in eternity. As a cardinal of the Church I will pray for your sorry souls. And yes, God takes prayers in French, English and double Dutch, so long as you have paid your tithes to the Church.

- Cardinal R.

* * *

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Dearest Rene, I miss you so terribly. The bed feels so empty without you. Come back soon so that I may shower you with my love. – Duchess C.

Dearest D'Artagnan, I forgive you. Stay safe – Constance B.

Dear fellow musketeer Prothos, please return my sword to me. Methinks we both had too much to drink at the party. I have your letter-opener here and it made a lousy sword, as evidenced by the fact I am writing this from a hospital bed. – Sir Albert

Monsieur Athos, please settle your wine bill. You owe us for the last two months. – Pinot Vinters Fine Wines

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

How did the cardinal fare on the advice column? Rochefort simply couldn't catch a break, can he? At least Constance has forgiven D'Artagnan.

Historical fact - in medieval and early modern Europe, dwarfs were considered less than human and were often employed in noble households as court jesters if they were lucky.


End file.
